I hope so…

Before Jon and I started dating we were best friends. I had another best friend at the time. She happened to have strong feelings for Jon and hoped that he would someday be hers. I hoped for that too because I wanted her to be happy.

I had also promised her that nothing would ever happen between Jon and I because I couldn’t do that to her. What a stupid promise to make. There are some things that you just can’t control, as much as you would like to.

I remember the night that I realized that I was in love with Jon and couldn’t live without him. It was 8 weeks before he left to go on his mission. He was walking out of the temple, after having received his endowments, and my sister and I were waiting outside for him (and everyone that was with him). I turned around to see him coming out the door and when he looked at me and smiled I knew I was in trouble. My very first thought was, “Oh no. She’s going to be so mad at me.”

For just over two weeks I fought it with everything I had. I didn’t tell anyone what had happened at the temple. I didn’t allow myself to think about it because I knew what it would do to my relationship with someone I considered very special to me. I didn’t want to lose that. I didn’t know what to do.

After weeks of fighting and debating about what needed to be done, I couldn’t take it anymore. I got down on my knees and I prayed to know what to do. That day, a group of us was going up to the LA temple so that some of us could do a session while the rest of us waited outside and then we were all going to go to lunch. I sat on a bench outside with two of my girl friends and pondered my options – silently, I still wasn’t allowing myself to talk about it. Maybe if I didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t really real. Then the girls started talking to me about Jon and how much they were going to miss him when he left. I told them that I would miss him too. Then they started asking questions about how much I was going to miss him and why I was going to miss him that much. Turns out, I wasn’t fooling anybody – just myself. In the 90 minute tearful conversation that followed, my two girl friends gave me the answer to my prayer. I knew what needed to be done.

The next day, Jon and I went to San Diego to buy the suits he needed for his mission. I knew I had to say something to him that day but I didn’t know if I was brave enough to do it. I did know that those two girls from the temple would be following up with me later that day (they were coming over for dinner). We went back to the apartment that I shared with my best friend and had “The Talk.” When it was all over we didn’t know what to do. We knew that we shared feelings for each other and we both cared very deeply for our friend. In the interest of time, we decided not to do anything or say anything to anyone. The two girls from the temple were sworn to secrecy.

I’m not all that hard to read and neither is Jon. My best friend certainly wasn’t … isn’t … stupid. She figured it out. My worst fears were realized… I hurt someone – BAD. Not just “someone” but my best friend. The only person in the world at that time in my life that understood everything about me. She knew why I did things the way I did them and she respected it. Hurt her deep enough that she never said another word to me. Ever. To this day.

It’s been almost 6 years. Jon and I have been happily married for almost 4 of those years. We think about her and talk about her often, always praying for her, hoping that some day she’ll forgive us for causing so much pain.

I sent a “friend request” to her Facebook account last week. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy. She accepted. I’m glad. I still miss her.